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After months of planning and extensive work, this is the result. Not much to look at or even a very good skin.
But you gotta admit.
Its pretty awesome.
________________________________
"Irony is that the stuff I tell you usually is the stuff she should hear but I never will say it"
________________________________
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
You know Jun, I know I haven't always been the best. I try too hard.
Sorry Lea. Pity only one person knows my secret. That I cannot forget things. I can forget everything material, where I place my stuff, where my things are. Things I bought. But memories, even as I confessed my thoughts to my teachers in RP, they can't go away. Faci Nenie knows I've got thoughts, thoughts without backup. Faci See Ling thinks I've got a sense of humor, which I might, I don't know. But I think its all a cover-up. Someone needs to ask me what's wrong someday. And kick me for lying. Its not "emo", I'm just really not "alright".
Picture this, every good memory you have, you can't forget. Every bad one, lingers even stronger than the good ones. I try hard.
Grandma Theresa always told me to "forgive and forget" and let "God's will be done". I kneeled to both. I forgave. But I couldn't forget. God's will was done. I just refused to accept it. We have a choice right? Grandpa said something before he passed away, "Don't wait till its too late to save your soul". We took it literally at first, attending church, praising the Good Book. It's not the way. I know that now, its not "saving" your soul. Its making peace with yourself, not with God. And I failed that. I cannot forgive myself for not forgetting.
Amelia, nothing personal. I know it was harsh, I'm sorry. I tried too hard to change too many things. I tried to save my soul before I knew just how far gone it was. I know it might not seem right, but if you ever read this, just an open mind for awhile ya? I don't blame anyone for anything that's happened. I know that it wasn't right to try to do so much is so little time. I knew it. But I still preferred to try. I shouldn't have. You know sometimes I do think that I made a mistake. In everything. Cassie's shown me all that. Even Xin Rui did. I took a cycling trip with Cassie and Tim, my RP senior an early Sunday afternoon and we randomly talked and chatted. I never so much as even thought to say anything with a compliment to her. But we just talked. Randomly. And then I sort of realised that this is it. This was how it was supposed to be, relaxed, casual crap, nothing on "best behavior" and stuff. I know you might or will, blame Xin Rui for stuff but its not her fault. I can't explain everything but maybe someday. Anyway, bluntly put, she just took up Felicia's role in affecting my life. Its a small, no-paying role. But she took her place in more ways that one.
However, only Jun and a few others know what I mean. There's another way she took up her spot. And it involves Kiver. Shan't say. Anyway, I really do hope you do well in your exams. I never seemed like it but I will pray for your success. Do your best and don't listen to anyone else, don't let them tell you what you can and can't do. Not even what I think or say should affect your choices. Be what my Grandpa would have wanted for me. Do what you like as long as you know its the right thing to do.
Jun, I'm sorry for worrying too much. Its just that Rin is just too busy to talk. I do hope she will, someday, talk more.
God help me.
Please help me.
11:23 PM
Name: Ansel Avery Tempestt Tan
Age: 15+
School: Saint Patrick's Secondary School
