After months of planning and extensive work, this is the result. Not much to look at or even a very good skin.
But you gotta admit. Its pretty awesome.
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better man
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Tuesday, May 29, 2007
sometimes i wish that i could just go back in time, and undo some things..i should have never called her that. i never knew her childhood was so hard, i never knew the real reason why she din want to go to skool. i feel really bad, if only there was a way to show her how sorry i am, she's going tomorrow, what if she never comes back? i can't live with this guilt.. i want to do all i can to be a better man..maybe i should write her a letter..hope that she reads it, leave a flower on top of the letter..yea, that's a great idea.
i didn't know that she was asking me trick questions till it was too late.. was i sad.. yea i was, i've hurt her why would i not be sad? was i remorseful, heck yea, i caused her to be sad..guess i didn't appear sincere enough to her, she seems a little reluctant to forgive me..i wish that she would..it feels horrible to hurt someone who _________ ____________. i guessed i reopened old wounds, i blew it. i'll never know how hurt it was, but it has to be really hurt..my heart tells me so, i feel that she's in a corner, tearing..how do stop a girl from crying? maybe reassuring them? comforting them, letting them know u care, but what if u're the one who made her cry, what would u do? the first thing she'll do is to push you away..guess i have to apologise first, keep telling her i'm sorry, tell her i never meant was i did, i let my stupid man-ness carry me too far, that i never wanted to hurt her..let her cry on my shoulder, let her know that i'll always be there for her, that i wouldn't hurt her again and mean it. Lord teach me to me a better person...
12:29 AM
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Monday, May 28, 2007
all she wanted was to be with u, but u pushed her away. bit by bit she crumbled, soon to disappear. she cared for u but u couldn't see, guess u were too self absorbed to know. one day she left and never return, not a tear u shed.
i guess, what she wanted was to spend time with someone she really cared about...but i din care enuff. all she did was to _______ me..and this is the way i treated her. am i still a man? even though she has her own flaws, she is still special in her own way. i thought that i'd rather die than to see her like this, worse is to know that i caused this upon her. how can i ever forgive myself for this. to see her smile makes me float on cloud nine. now she's so far away, i wished that there was a way to get her back...let her be happy again...after all that she's been thru, it was the least that i could do..i remember how she hated the way her ex treated her..i dun want her to hate me too..
maybe i could start by putting myself in her shoes sometimes...perhaps when she says that she's fine, she really isn't..and there is always something up.. i could.. pay attention to the way she talks. maybe short responses means that she is trying to hide something..man i dunno how to figure girls out, they are just so complicated...they say one thing and can mean the other..i guess she fears that i would be like her ex like that, who liked her at first, but when she breaks, i just cannot find strength within myself to comfort her..and i start liking her less..till i drop her. she shatters.
i wanna be there for her.. i want her to know that i'll always be there to catch her when she falls. i dun ever want to see her sad bcos it makes me sad too..i want to talk more, want to know more about her..i want to me the person she could always count on..i wished that i could tell her the answers to all the stuff she asks me..just that i dunno how to put it.. why is she important to me? is it bcos i care about her? she's my friend? or is she more than a friend? is it bcos she's the air that i breathe?
i did something not so good.. i left her by herself today..i guess i was tired and needed to sleep.. i hope that she doesn't mind..hope that it doesn't build a wall between us..juz hope that she would understand..i wonder what would happen on my bday.. hmm...
1:13 AM
8th of June and my wallet's all out.
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Saturday, May 26, 2007
This entry. Is what I'd offer just this blog. Just this person. Just this entry. A look into the planning and meeting stage of the day's events. Just how much work goes into an average day? You're about to find out.
Ok ok. Fine. Val was right. She always was.
Excerpt from the conversation: Val: "You know you can just give her a ring or something." Me: "Plaza Singapura?" Val: "Yeah that... Basement shop." Me: "Couple Lab. Its called Couple Lab." Val: "Yeah! Me and my friend got black stainless steel rings from there. Mine says Val <3> Me: "Um. No, I don't think she'd use a ring. Her parents might flip." Val: "Sure? Ok how about a bracelet. Girls love bracelets." Me: "I, highly doubt that." Val: "You're sure? Have you even asked her?" Me: "No. But I can guess. Any other ideas?" Val: "How about a pendant? You could give it to her." Me: "I don't think she'd use a pendant. She's the kinda girl who wears a crucifix and never removes it?" Val: "Um. She could wear it on special occasions." Me: "No... She NEVER removes it?" Val: "I used to be like that. But now I just wear it when needed." Me: "Uh... If you were the type that never removes it, how can you be 'used to'?" Val: "You get my meaning."
So much for that. Anyway I found out I was right she most probably will not use a pendant. But she'd use everything else Val mentioned. Aye. That sucks. Val's gonna rub it in.
1:38 AM
Pure Code0607 and a dash of Procrastination
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Monday, May 14, 2007
1st Section:
Goddammit. Family is suing the family. Yes, you heard it right. We're suing Grandpa. Cause Grandma is being left out by Grandpa all cause of the Wicked Witch of the East (Mistress A). Cocked up family if I ever seen one. People would consider Grandpa a "model citizen", he's willing to help everyone (*cough* and also very free to get girlfriend hor?). So, fine, he disowned the family and left his grandchildren(that's us) to fend for ourselves. Just so you guys know, nothing's paying for our education. Yep, no elderly-to-kids fund. Yes, I know, most kids are happy getting the once in awhile bonus from their grandparents. Grandma's swell of course. She's nice either way. But Grandpa's a real piece of work. I'd be happy if he so much as spares me 55 cents for bus fare. Asshole.
My view, Grandpa has a girlfriend. Gee. I don't have a girlfriend and he does. F*cked up world.
2nd Section:
Everyone should just relax. Honestly. Everyone. No more anger, arguements, loneliness claims, homework and shooting squirrels. Come on guys and girls, just for one day, don't do anything. Sure, go out. Movie perhaps (Spiderman 3 *cough* *hint hint*). Run around the house or simply just sleep. Relax. Don't just rest. Let your mind wander off for awhile.
3rd Section:
Yeck. Before you comment hear me out.
This was my friend "Sara". Her real name's "Mallory". Or so she claims. She's Monika's friend anyway. Ok, fine, I couldn't find a better photo. But just saying. Don't ask, she forced me to post this.
3:40 AM
This Post Is Dedicated Solely To...
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Thursday, May 10, 2007
I read your post on Friday, April 06, 2007. Finally, that is. I lost your blog address when you told me to take it down to prevent someone from finding it. But now, a lot to catch up on.
This Post Is Dedicated Solely To... AMELIAMAK
Just your very own post. No other names will be mentioned. Everything is censored. Like F*****a? Or J****a? Can't type them. I'll not censor important names to keep the post going.
My name is A***l A***y T******t T*n. Just testing.
Yes its just for you.
Now I'm sure people have seen this photo.
I apparently missed out a very important person.
See? It IS there :)
Everyone see that? Her name's AMELIAMAK !
She might think I'm afraid to tell my friends about her or let them see us outside.
I am afraid..
Afraid that's not the case, dear girl! Haha
If you want I'll get a T-Shirt with a giant neon arrow saying "This is Amelia" if you want. If they do actually make those. And if they are actually safe for street wear. Electrocution isn't as fun.
Who is Amelia? Wouldn't you like to know? I wouldn't mind if she came to St Patrick's for a walk around. After all, we did walk around East Coast Park with my form teacher himself trailing me around right?
I'm not afraid to let people know. But I am afraid of Eugene. Scary little fellow isn't he? Remember that day we first time when we went to Novena? The day I told you I'll be moving from Lorong Ah Soo back to Bedok and I probably won't get to go out with you as much? That never stopped me, did it? We still hung out. I still wanted to go out. I still smiled to myself whenever you smsed. Nothing changed. Even if you move to Perth, nothing will change. I take the rather "infamous" quote from J***n A**x (a.k.a Knygt) on a forum notice board.
"There's a whole world that someone can run around in. There's billions of people in crowds that someone can hide in. All it takes is a little effort and a few helpful hints and you'll find that one person in billions."
That was in response to a question when someone asked how will Knygt find his childhood friend.
You want to know a secret, Amelia?
I knew I'd go out with out before I even knew you. Before I even talked to Eugene a lot.
I dreamt about a bus ride. On the way to Suntec City, when the bus was turning off the express way. I don't remember the exact details. But I remember I sat next to a girl wearing blue. She had a rather tanned skin tone. Hair was relatively long. She was looking out the window. Time stopped just at that. I didn't think the girl was important till it just occured to me nothing else was going on at that point. No one else was important. The bus was packed but no one else seemed to be important. Like those background characters in a cheap chinese drama. You see them but they don't stand out.
Now, do you remember that day we went to Suntec City from East Coast Park? It's exactly like that isn't it? That dream was in January 2006. I initially thought that would be Charmaine, my friend's friend. But I have no reason to talk to her anwyway. And I think her hair's shorter than "dreamt".
Knygt also told me one thing. In November 2005. My birthday too. He said that I'll have someone who might actually listen, talk, and tell stuff to and this was going to be before my 16th birthday. Which I felt was utter rubbish then.
Right now, I told him about you in February, after the first few times we had gone snooping around. There only was a light sarcastic smile and a "I told you so" soon followed.
Back to Eugene. We went to Novena that day. We had Burger King. I remember that. I said that the cashier was a "weird, incompetent idiot". Anyway, I misplaced my books that day, in Toa Payoh Library. You told me to call Eugene to go pick up the books if he could find them. What you didn't know then was, Eugene was suspecting I was going to meet you and he was practically interrogating me. I kept cool and tried to bluff my way out. It was really funny how he insisted to accompany me to the library and anywhere I go in Toa Payoh. Although I already knew my way around since I stayed in Lorong Ah Soo, which isn't far from Toa Payoh.
I remember you offered to meet me at the library. My phone beeped quite loudly at that point. Eugene was already edgy. Raising an eyebrow and trying to figure out what was going on. The one question he kept asking was,
"So what are you going to do in Toa Payoh? Planning to meet someone?"
I said no at that point. He was starting to creep me out. Which is why I suggested we go Bishan and meet up there instead. Not that I didn't want him to know I was hanging out with you. But would you really want someone around who's really starting to get suspicious of his classmate? My opinion? Not too keen on him around at that point.
I tried my best to keep you talking to me. Even going so far as to cheat and lie to delete a phone number. I remember whispering to Eugene,
"Amelia wants the number gone and deleted. Right now. Think you got the balls?"
He, of course couldn't bring himself to do that, so I did that for him. Left for recess and smsed you 3 minutes later.
I'm sorry we don't hang out as much as anyone else would consider normal. Because I don't want to get too used to relying on you too much. I'm sorry I don't talk as much as you'd like. Because I'm afraid I'll say something you don't like and you'll hate me forever. I'm sorry I made you feel as if I didn't care about what happens to you. Because I dared to talk but didn't dare to prove that I really would care if anything happens.
If I could do anything to make you forgive me, just say it. I would try.
I don't and probably never will, understand what you go through. What's having siblings like or how your parents treat you. But just give me that chance and tell me what you think I can't "understand" and I promise I will at least try to comprehend.
10:39 PM
Starting to miss Felicia
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Alright, random post time!
First, 2 letters in the mailbox.
Deer Mies Samenta,
Wi hamstirs hav stoelen yuor squeerils. Eef yu wuant too si dem agayn yu mus giv ars 200 meleon sents. Eef nort yuor squeerils weil b kild n haung on a twee frum deir bussy tales. Tank yu four yuor coperayshun.
Ceind, Hamstirs
Ook...
Addressed to: Miss Felicia Khoo Singapore, Singapore
From: Y support group Cambrige, England
Urgent Message from the Hexagon
Dear Miss Khoo,
We would like to ask you to kindly cease and desist from shoving questions involving our unaffliated partner, X. Unfortunately after several decades of working together, our partnership has broken up.
Such as questions like," y=A+2x / x. Make X the subject of the formula. " , we urge you all NOT to make X the subject or believe its propaganda and lies it seeks to spread. X is not better than Y. As such, doing so will hinder our progress of total domination. We also have reason to believe X is holding WMDs, or, Weapons of Math Destruction.
We urge you and your comrades to support the Y foundation in the war on terror against the X invaders. If you have seen this note, chances are the Xs have already gotten to Ansel Tempestt Tan and many more of your kind. X seeks to fry the brain of the reader and make them type out silly, nonsensical letters to people who may know about the fight between X and Y but have completely nothing to do with our new project, Operation A.L.G.E.B.R.A. The letters may also contain random deviations from the topic matter. I love cheese. In which case the letters may confuse or eat rabbit pet food. Of course it would still make no sense.
We believe in many things. One of which is the 8 senses of the human body. Sense of Sight Sense of Hearing Sense of Smell Sense of Taste Sense of Feeling The 6th Sense Common Sense Non-Sense(Nonsense)
If you have been reading medical journals, when one sense is taken away the rest will increase in power. In Ansel's case, Mathematics has taken away his sense of Sight, Hearing, Smell, Taste, Feeling, 6th and Common senses. Leaving only Non-Sense to greatly improve. We sincerely hope you understand the gravity of the situation. I like the smell of freshly cut grass.
Yours Truly, The Y Team.
Ok fine... I'm bored. No one's talking to me =(
2:50 AM
See the marketplace in old Algiers. Send me photographs and souvenirs.
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"Mid 2006(See future post labelled 2002 for details).
10 years after events. Guess its the same grind. Starting to hate this. I never asked for St Patrick's! I hate this. I'm being bullied. I'm being spat on. I'm getting screwed over by my own comrades. At this point, life can't get any lower. Faye's missing off the face of the earth. Who's with me now? I don't have any friends. Fiona's not around. Brittany has turned on me. Sara's gone. Let's not even START about Monika. They guys are all the same. One turns the rest follow. Like a school of fish, I'm the odd one out an no one is going to help me. I should kill myself.
What the hell. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll just run and hide. I can escape Singapore. If I'm willing to die, I'm willing to run. I'll go find Christian in Canada or Garry in Sydney and I'll just bunk in and take a rest. One more. One more rest. I'll play my heart out for the afternoon. I'll kick myself awake in the night. Today. 3rd of July 2005. Fuck the world. My bag got packed around 2pm. Small knives, a bit of snacks, some money, first aid kit. How long will I last? Don't know. I'll buy a map later. My phone will go. Mum and Dad won't miss me. After all. I have no drive to make them proud. Why should I? I HATE what they done for me. Till today, 2007, I made up my mind, I'll never let my parents choose my path for me. It me. All the way. I may make the wrong choice. But its the wrong choice I'll enjoy.
I took a long nap. Very long. I hear voices in my head telling me my plan would not work. Conscience. This was different now. There was an increasingly loud thought. 5 people? Code "Amicira"
I'm all set. Time to leave a note for Christian. I told him. He ensures I know what I'm doing. This obviously isn't easy. I need a waterproof bag. He can only nod and agree. Ah wait. I got an idea. Sounds crazy. But what the hell. Play MapleStory! At this point, nothing matters. Study, gaming? No difference to me. I'll move. I'll go work at a 7-11 like Monika. Then we can have some twisted life,scanning stuff and cleaning the Slurpee machine. After all. April and Mallory owe me. I'll get protected in Australia, Gold Coast and Perth.
Dammit. I have to resign up for AsiaSoft. What the hell happened to my old account anyway. Lost it all. That sucks. Doesn't matter I'll just resign up. What to play? Assassin. Always. I'll be honest at this point on. Very honest.
Starting off in Aquila. Always takes so long to sign in. Come on. LOAD! Gee. If I wanna die, I wanna die happy! Not waiting for a game to load.
Finally. Kill a few snails. Get some cash. Kill stuff. Level. Leave in the night. Perfect plan? Unfortunately I didn't factor in the "random chaos event" possibilty. What IS a "random chaos event?". It is when something that affects the normal course of life actions is brought into the world before it is due or if it was never supposed to happen. This causes a rift and space in the natural course. Normal scripted ideals would not affect the normal plan."
8:49 PM
Blog Extension
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Thursday, May 03, 2007
CLICK This: Memory Library (Strictly for past events, answers all the questions on past things)
10:11 PM
What Not To Do For Maths.
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4:15 PM
And Now For Something Completely Different.
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Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I really didn't mean to upset you. I didn't mean to give you unnecessary stress. I apologise and pray you'll forgive me.