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After months of planning and extensive work, this is the result. Not much to look at or even a very good skin.
But you gotta admit.
Its pretty awesome.
________________________________
You know you're chinese when...
________________________________
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Are you a walking Chinese drama cliche?
Do you make overly exaggerated noises when you punch someone? Example "Ka-Da-Bish!"?
Is your life very much like something you've seen on Channel 8?
Then you are in luck, my friend!
For today we have a solution for you.
What you are suffering from is known as 笨蛋 Syndrome.
This is serious, very serious. Because 8 Days has inaccurate synopsis reviews.
This may cause you to die on Monday when the script really calls for you to die on Wednesday!
How did I realise this was a problem? Well, I woke up one morning and went downstairs to get a cup of coffee.
In that time frame, my elder brother got stabbed by a masked madman, my grandfather,没还钱, got harrassed by loansharks. My cat,找不到, ran away from home, my sister,来摸我, got raped by a married man, my mother got robbed and my dad got scammed! All in the 10 minutes I was buying coffee with milk, extra sugar.
Funniest thing too. While all this happened at 9 in the morning, my grandmother only called me the next day at 5 in the evening. Its like she felt she could help the situation before it got out of hand. But like she could. I mean, it says here in the back of my 8 days magazine she'll die next Thursday.
So to start my little search, I called SPCA to find my cat.
“SPCA？我的猫不见了。”
“你的猫什么名字？”
“找不到。”
“我知道， 但是， 你猫什么名？”
“说过了。找不到！”
“妈的！你做这东西干什么，浪费我时间！”
“你说什么？”
“去跳楼吧！”
The nerve of that son of a bitch. What did I ever do to him?
Anyway, back to the family, which has apparently disappeared for 3 weeks without reference or notice. I'd find that strange except I'm suddenly the boss of a B grade restaurant no one ever eats at, but somehow makes profits to fund my lifestyle. Ironically, the staff is only in the restaurant for roughly 10 minutes before we take a break and do a headcount to find out who got kidnapped. Mr Lee, the janitor, got kidnapped just last week, we found him in a secluded forest where no one would look. Except us. We'll look. Because we care for the welfare of our employees. Besides, I didn't feel like having to do the paperwork and reporting the matter to the police, who apparently don't need to be concerned with this matter at all, since my band of 8 street bums-turned-waiters can handle any problem.
I don't even know why I hired them! We don't prepare food, we just figure out old recipes let by my greatgrandmother who passes away, keeping the secret to her overweight selfish self. Imagine that. And we don't even have to wash plates! They somehow wash themselves or disappear somewhere.
Remember my sister,来摸我, the one who got raped? Well, her husband died of an unspecified accident, but no worries, I didn't have to talk to the slacker-not-appearing policemen, only a doctor, who can hardly tell the difference between cancer or a sprained ankle. Doesn't matter either, when you're chinese, only one family member gets cancer, and will die quite quickly and painlessly. Since my grandmother has cancer, I'll be ok.
Anyway, my brother-in-law died, but he's ok. My sister's just traumatised but he'll definitely be back as a ghost after he claims "true love" for her and all the crap. Always happens. Gee, anyone can die at this point of time. That's ok though, I'm sure if I die I can battle God, or whoever is running hell. Sure he can squish me like a little bug, you'd think so since I'm merely mortal but he's only the SUPREME BEING! But hey, I'm chinese. I can fight him off with a chalk duster and broom handle.
Oh, you'll have to excuse me for now, my brother's trying to commit suicide and my cat was found in Penang so I'll probably have to give a reward.
5:13 PM
Name: Ansel Avery Tempestt Tan
Age: 15+
School: Saint Patrick's Secondary School
