Project SalvaciÃ³n

________________________________ You know you're chinese when...
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Saturday, March 31, 2007

Are you a walking Chinese drama cliche?
Do you make overly exaggerated noises when you punch someone? Example "Ka-Da-Bish!"?
Is your life very much like something you've seen on Channel 8?
Then you are in luck, my friend!
For today we have a solution for you.
What you are suffering from is known as 笨蛋 Syndrome.
This is serious, very serious. Because 8 Days has inaccurate synopsis reviews.
This may cause you to die on Monday when the script really calls for you to die on Wednesday!

How did I realise this was a problem? Well, I woke up one morning and went downstairs to get a cup of coffee.
In that time frame, my elder brother got stabbed by a masked madman, my grandfather,没还钱, got harrassed by loansharks. My cat,找不到, ran away from home, my sister,来摸我, got raped by a married man, my mother got robbed and my dad got scammed! All in the 10 minutes I was buying coffee with milk, extra sugar.

Funniest thing too. While all this happened at 9 in the morning, my grandmother only called me the next day at 5 in the evening. Its like she felt she could help the situation before it got out of hand. But like she could. I mean, it says here in the back of my 8 days magazine she'll die next Thursday.

So to start my little search, I called SPCA to find my cat.

“SPCA？我的猫不见了。”
“你的猫什么名字？”
“找不到。”
“我知道，但是，你猫什么名？”
“说过了。找不到！”
“妈的！你做这东西干什么，浪费我时间！”
“你说什么？”
“去跳楼吧！”

The nerve of that son of a bitch. What did I ever do to him?

Anyway, back to the family, which has apparently disappeared for 3 weeks without reference or notice. I'd find that strange except I'm suddenly the boss of a B grade restaurant no one ever eats at, but somehow makes profits to fund my lifestyle. Ironically, the staff is only in the restaurant for roughly 10 minutes before we take a break and do a headcount to find out who got kidnapped. Mr Lee, the janitor, got kidnapped just last week, we found him in a secluded forest where no one would look. Except us. We'll look. Because we care for the welfare of our employees. Besides, I didn't feel like having to do the paperwork and reporting the matter to the police, who apparently don't need to be concerned with this matter at all, since my band of 8 street bums-turned-waiters can handle any problem.

I don't even know why I hired them! We don't prepare food, we just figure out old recipes let by my greatgrandmother who passes away, keeping the secret to her overweight selfish self. Imagine that. And we don't even have to wash plates! They somehow wash themselves or disappear somewhere.

Remember my sister,来摸我, the one who got raped? Well, her husband died of an unspecified accident, but no worries, I didn't have to talk to the slacker-not-appearing policemen, only a doctor, who can hardly tell the difference between cancer or a sprained ankle. Doesn't matter either, when you're chinese, only one family member gets cancer, and will die quite quickly and painlessly. Since my grandmother has cancer, I'll be ok.

Anyway, my brother-in-law died, but he's ok. My sister's just traumatised but he'll definitely be back as a ghost after he claims "true love" for her and all the crap. Always happens. Gee, anyone can die at this point of time. That's ok though, I'm sure if I die I can battle God, or whoever is running hell. Sure he can squish me like a little bug, you'd think so since I'm merely mortal but he's only the SUPREME BEING! But hey, I'm chinese. I can fight him off with a chalk duster and broom handle.

Oh, you'll have to excuse me for now, my brother's trying to commit suicide and my cat was found in Penang so I'll probably have to give a reward.

5:13 PM

Journal Report #1 : Satanism
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Sunday, March 25, 2007

Ok, in my spare time, I did interviewing jobs for a group of people collecting "hidden" data about stuff people won't talk about. Paranormal or otherwise, I was there to ask first hand what it was like to be in, say, a cult.

Of course, it wasn't compulsory that I had to join to infiltrate. Either way, my first job was to investigate claims of "toyols" or demonic unborn children. But we'll do that another time, since I never completed the questionings cause the guy who was asking around for me got injured in a car accident so we won't go in to that just yet. Not that the accident had anything to do with his line of work, it was just his unlucky day.

Moving on, the second report was a little Q&A with a representitive of CoS (Church of Satan).

Natural stereotyping will probably dress him in a black robe with crimson trimmings and hood. Maybe a red tint to his eyes and sharp claws.

But alas, nothing cool.

Plainly dressed, green workshirt and tie. Black pants and shoes. Wearing a student's spectacles although he clearly was above 20 years old. This was clearly not expected. My fellow assistants for the day was Darren and Christian. Someone was a little jumpy that day. Carrying a Good News Bible in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. Christian kept to himself. Quiet. Hard to tell from his expression but he was ready to stick the satanist in the heart if he so much as whispered a chant.

Ok, fine, I was nervous too. If he was in fact going to wear a robe and we're going to sit in a McDonalds talking, this wasn't going to go well with the public.

He brought a friend too. Some lower rank fellow. Forgot what he called him but sure wasn't "Acolyte". Maybe I played too much Warcraft the previous night and was expecting someone to be called an acolyte.

Started with the casual chatter. Jared, as he referred to himself and his friend, who I also forgot his name.

Apparently they don't exactly live the life we all might assume. They

(To Be Continued...)

12:54 PM

Clarification
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Saturday, March 17, 2007

Ok, just so ya know, my surname is "Tempestt Tan". Not *just* "Tan". "Avery" 's my middle name and "Ansel" being first. This would make "Guo Qiang (Wade-Giles : Kok Chiang)" just a chinese name. However since my chinese family name is "Chen" that would probably be "Tan" alone. But just to clarify with some asshole who assumed that it was just that, its not. It's "Tempestt Tan".

Side note, I don't think "Tempestt" has a chinese equivalent.

3:21 AM

"Magico, call me El Presidente." - Kiver
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Saturday, March 10, 2007

Alright, where to begin? Sorry didn't post any blog entries for awhile, pray you're still reading. First up, worked at the National Library for a week. Along with Alston, Andrew, Devesh and Nicholas. Now, librarians are nice people. The "brain" behind its operation consists of Serene, Joyce, Sundari and Rozana. They didn't seem that nice at first but later on they were very friendly. NOW HOLD IT! I know you don't wanna read the whole crap on how moving boxes and hurting my back, so I shall skip to more interesting parts. Wanna know what happened? Keep reading. Its the most amount of fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

First up, this "fine" book I found, titled, "Goodbye Mousie". Now, what does it sound like?
a) A magical mouse on a journey of self discovery?
b) A mouse who travels the world to find his meaning?
c) A dead rat.

And Ta-da its not a OR b! It's c! Honestly! Have a look.

This is the actual "summary" on the back of the book:
"When I woke up this morning, I tickled Mousie's tummy. But Mousie didn't wake up"

I read those words and was thinking to myself. In a silent, calm yet in a more morbid way. I don't know. It's really more a "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE WRITER THINKING?!" manner.

Next, this is an actual quote from my friend. Do this in a indian accent to find it funny.
"I swear, you're the kind of guy who will grow up to be a drunk, smoker and probably, a wife beater. Then, one day, when you come home drunk, you yell, where the fuck's my TV? Where the fuck's my beer? Why the fuck's my couch a different color?! Then when you see people in the back you run in and beat the shit out of them, and suddenly you say, oops! Many apologies, I live next door, wrong house, sorry! Then when you stumble to your house you check in, Dar-Ling?! Where is my coffee? And why don't you wear something else? And after she gives you the coffee you sip and spit it out. Dar-Ling... You call this coffee? Taste like horse piss. Now, Dar-Ling. We must talk. You know what happens when my coffee sucks. Its that time. Fetch the baseball bat, Dar-Ling. We must make sure this doesn't happen again."

And that, is seriously, twisted.

9:59 PM

To be continued. But just a note.
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Monday, March 05, 2007

CoS Chatlog. Darren versus Administrator #1.

"Are you implying that I am biased?"
"No, sir, I am not. You are much worse."
"Explain your reasoning."
"A liar and a deceiver are two different people. They share a common goal, to conceal their actions beneath a blanket of lies and deception respectively. The defining difference is method and motivation."
"And how, if I may pry, do you conclude that. Seeing as how lying and deceiving are similar by definition?"
"You see, a liar will tell you 1 plus 2 is 6. A deceiver will tell you cyan is blue. Cyan is a shade of blue, albeit lighter shade, but it is not considered blue, close, but not close enough. If I met a liar, he shines like a neon sign in hell. But if I met a deceiver, he is but a shadow in a dim room, I could rat him out but that would be too much work to reveal a small secret."
"You're avoiding my main questions."
"Or so I make it seem."

11:38 PM