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After months of planning and extensive work, this is the result. Not much to look at or even a very good skin.
But you gotta admit.
Its pretty awesome.
________________________________
Drop the tempo a notch or two. You're playing too fast.
________________________________
Monday, September 25, 2006
(Behind all the quotes and the post itself there is a hidden message. Search for it if you want.)
"This is the life you chose to live."
Exams coming soon. N level is something not to be trifled with. It will be easy. That's for sure. But I don't WANT just PASS. Maths and Humanities, my weak areas. Humanities will go to hell. Burn along with Saddam Hussien. But Maths, I WANT an A1. Or at least A2. So bad. My true joy. My heartache.
"The rewards and punishments for your sins."
Sleep deprived and getting frustrated. I'm trying not to snap at people. I don't wanna lose any friends. Not this time. Not again. It takes 3 years to build a friendship network. A single year to lose it all. 2 years to clear your name. A month to bring it all back. Within all of this, I'm trying so hard to build up everything I should have already had, on glass flooring.
"Regret! Repent! Remorse!"
Nothing's worse than having to bring your life back from nothing. Believe me darling, before 2005, I could barely pull off very much. Slacking. My results were subpar. My ass was getting kicked on a regular daily basis and I just was BEGGING to be transferred to another school. ANY school. Till this day. I claim no alliance to St Patrick's School. Maybe if anyone asks I'll just tell them I came from St Stephen's Primary, a great school, Playhouse before that, where I met the best friends anyone could ask for. But when it comes to Secondary School. I claim nothing with St. Patrick's Secondary. My loyalties lie with other schools. Any other school. Doesn't matter.
"You suffer because you always wanted to all the long."
This is the path I chose was leading me to a long forgotten dream but fate dealt me a losing hand. Whoever said you can fight Aces and Kings with 3s and 4s must have been very optimistic. There is no point to fighting an uphill battle with in inevitable loss. Heavy losses, I might add. My mum always thought girls were going to lead me to failure when I can't get my mind off them. My dad always was indifferent about the matter. But what happens when it comes to point blank, what happens if the very people you begged to let go of are the only ones who will save your soul from eternal damnation.
"You are happy above it all because that was your goal."
I meant it. Every word. As life came down to these precious few moments, the balance between life and death hangs precariously on a string unfit to carry burden or fault. But this is caused when someone makes a decision for me. All because I had the choice. My very own. To gain a year headstart, or lose a year and work at a slower pace that I should be able to easily beat.
"A dream made to last can never sustain someone."
Alas, a dream is but a dream. Not real. Ethereal in every way. Fragile, isn't it? But this is the result of a life, not my own. Is life the way I want it to be? Not really. But looking at the possiblity of a better life, a personal life, that would have been so much better. Living the dream, the way I want life to be. I have considered and felt what it would be like. A perfect place. My ideal.
"For dreams alone never kept anyone alive."
But something proved that everything I had always wanted will not necessarily be the best. My mum tried her best. St Patrick's Secondary. Like I don't know her plan. Try to figure that out. However, let's just say I backfired it all. Twisted her perception and toyed with rational thinking. I did what I could to lead a revolution. I hung out with a group. Let's just say they could do a lot more than just study and hook up with girls. They understood something more. Something behind everything.
"You believed in your friends. The ones you trust."
What do I mean by that. Does science prove that people can set papers ablaze with nothing more than a coin? Or maybe flinging a watch like a boomerang. Impossible? Some might say. But they perfected it. Not just this form of what people call "telekinesis". It wasn't that. Nothing to do with the mind. Or moving anything with it. They knew how physics worked. About cause and effect. How, if they fling something physically, a mathematical calculation can bring it back. They were the best. Taught me how to heat a coin made of certain material to extremely hot temperatures until it can set papers on fire just by a touch. Science. Pure, science.
"Trust can rot, die and wither away."
But looking back. I would give up my dreams and hopes. All for my life now. At this moment. Why? Life never is and never will be perfect. Even for perfection itself, I want what is now. If I had my way, back in Dunman Secondary or Hai Sing Catholic. Would I have MapleStory friends? Where would Eugene, Joshua, Chun Kee, Benedict be? What would I be doing without Faye, Fiona or Felicia to bug everyday? Where would I be hanging out at without Suraj, Matthew or Brandon? Who would I talk to without Heydi and Riana? How about Amelia? Not much, I don't talk that much to her but just like Nerissa and Monika, they made my education that bit more interesting. Without all that, what life is that? A substandard way of living. Perfect grades and no friends.
"No one ever had to be special to prove their worth."
This is the end. The death of hope and the burial of wishes. This is what I chose. My life I will lead. Starting from today, I take commands from no one. My decision is my own. If I must pay for my mistakes, should any result from these choices, so be it. This is me. Taking over.
"You only had to choose the way you will live."
8:01 PM
Name: Ansel Avery Tempestt Tan
Age: 15+
School: Saint Patrick's Secondary School
